Remembering Pops

My maternal grandfather, Pops, and I were very close when I was growing up. We're pictured here around the time I was 13, so probably 1984 or so. He would've been close to 60 at that point. After my grandmother died and my mother divorced her second husband, we moved in with my grandfather on the family farmed. We all lived together from the time I was 10 until I graduated high school.

 Since it's Father's Day, I thought it apropos to mention him here on my blog. Although he died almost 15 years ago, he had a profound effect on my childhood. He wasn't an easy man to love; he could be brash, stubborn, harsh, ruthless, and unforgiving. But he believed in me and loved me in spite of the times I know I disappointed him. He was a flawed man, as we all are, but I do think that he loved his family fiercely. That's certainly something to admire. He was a self-made man with little formal education, yet he was able to operate a series of family businesses that were successful. He wasn't a man of formalized faith, but he did follow a code of ethics and morality that were self-defined. He wasn't easy to love at times, and he only gave others the respect he'd felt they had earned. He was a hard man in many ways, perhaps because of his cruel upbringing or his experiences in WWII. In spite of all those things, he was gentle with me in my childhood. As I grew up, he placed great faith and emphasis on my intellect, trusting it and encouraging it and rewarding it rather than the emotional fragility that seemed to be de rigeur for the women in my family.

Unfortunately, we were not on good terms at his death, and I regret not making things right between us before he died. I hope he found it in his heart to forgive me before he died. I do find some comfort in remembering the good memories; I tell myself that he knew that I loved him even if I hadn't visited him in the months before his death. I tell myself that he would be more proud of the woman I am toay than the one he knew 15 years ago; I tell myself that I learned the hard lessons from him, and that I am a better person for those experiences.

Review - The Melting Pot

For my daughter's birthday, I bought her tickets to the ballet in Nashville. We left right after I got out of school because we knew we'd be pushed for time. The ballet began at 7:30 pm, and we left BG by 4:00 which we thought would be plenty of time. Add in the regular hour's drive + rush hour traffic + construction and we had a longer drive than we anticipated. We arrived in downtown Nashville at 5:30 and still thought that'd give us plenty of time to eat. I called The Old Spaghetti Factory, which is where Kelsey wanted to eat, and they did not have a wait as of 5:12. When we walked in the door at 5:28, the wait was already at over an hour. Bummed, we stepped out and realized that The Melting Pot was right next door. We'd both always wanted to try it, so we took the plunge.

The restaurant itself reminded me of Europe because it's actually below street level. I'm not sure Kelsey had ever eaten in a restaurant like that, but we stepped down a dozen or so stairs into a rather simply elegant space. Since we didn't have reservations, they sat us in the bar. It wasn't ideal, but at this point we couldn't be too choosy. As I glanced at the menu, I realized two things. First, this was going to be much more expensive than Spaghetti Factory, and second, I was worried we wouldn't have enough time to do their recommended 4 course dinner experience. When I voiced this concern to the waiter given our time to depart due to parking and walking to the ballet, he assured me that we'd have time. I shouldn't have listened to him.

The first course was the fondue cheese course with veggies, fruit, and bread. Kelsey chose a nacho, beer style cheese that made me want to kill her. No goat cheese, no brie, nothing super fancy. No, she chose basic nacho dip. Word of warning: don't get this. She enjoyed it, so I guess it wasn't a total loss.

The second course was a salad; I chose a blue cheese and strawberry salad that was fabulous. I wish I could've had four plates of that instead of the rest of the meal, actually. Uh-oh, spoiler alert. Kelsey selected a different salad but loved her choice as well.

Here is her sassy self dipping into some fondue...

When we ordered our entree, I just didn't really think the whole thing through. You see, you cook your own ingredients. Since Kelsey is a vegetarian, that meant that I couldn't cook my meal for my entree until after every other thing we ordered had been cooked. Well, that took a while. Y'all know how long it takes potatoes and broccoli and stuff to cook, right? The other thing I didn't consider is that I hate boiled meat. Yeah, I should have gone with the vegetarian option too. Live and learn.

Unfortunately,  I was checking my phone the whole time for how long we had until we had to rush to the ballet. The blackberry mojito I enjoyed def helped take the edge off though. Kelsey stuck with a glass of pinot noir. (Can you tell this is a candid shot? Haha!)

Here's a quick pick of me that she took at the table. Notice the tray of raw meet to my left. I like meat, but that was totally unappetizing. I can imagine how much it grossed out Kelsey since she's a vegetarian.

Check out my cooked veggies. They were boiled and tasted exactly how you'd expect, pretty bland overall.

And here's my plate with the boiled meat on it. Just, don't choose this unless you like boiled critter from the sea and land.

Our final course was the dessert course - fruit and cakes dipped in a dark and white chocolate fondue mixture. I definitely enjoyed this part.

They even put a yin/yang design in the chocolate for us.

Final tally?  Parking was $10 and the meal was $118 before the tip. We did not have enough time to enjoy any of our courses and shouldn't have allowed the waiter to convince us that we did. In fact, we were 10 minutes late for the ballet and missed the very beginning of it. Grr!

Kelsey and I both agreed that we'd stick to cheese and chocolate if we ever returned. My ultimate review - we prob won't go back. It's just not worth the time and money for what is pretty bland food overall.

Kelsey's Dance Recital

Have I told you lately how proud I am of you?

I don't think I tell you this often enough, Kelsey, but I'm very proud of you.

I'm proud of your work ethic. It takes a lot of self-discipline to go to school full-time and to work three part-time jobs, especially when the jobs are very physically demanding. Whether you're working as a hairdresser or as a dance teacher or as a nanny, I know that you give your best effort at your workplaces. Even when you're stressed out or sick, you suck it up and you show up. I respect that about you.

I'm proud of your intellect. You work hard to earn good grades, but there have been times you made mistakes and didn't perform as well as you wanted. Your intellect enabled you to regroup and make better academic decisions. You think things through, plan, and act accordingly. You let your brain instead of your emotions guide you most of the time. I'm so glad that you have the intellectual capability to lead a rational life.

I'm proud of your humor. When you call me to tell me a silly story or a bit of ironic news, I get so much enjoyment out of your sense of humor. You are wry and sarcastic and command language in a way that reminds me how quick-witted you are. Most importantly though, your humor is almost never directed at someone else. I don't like people who are mean-spirited in their humor, and you haven't chosen that path. Your humor is more of the "life is crazy" or self-deprecating sort. I can't imagine where you picked up that tendency. ;)

I'm proud of your kindness. While you don't necessarily wear that kindness for all to see, I know the soft heart that you possess. You love animals and little kids and the elderly. You are by your nature a nurturer, even though that might surprise some people. Like me, you guard that part of yourself from people who don't know you well. When I catch your moments of tenderness, it fills me with a sense of pride and happiness that's hard to explain. I know I had something to do with that; I know your tenderness makes the world a little bit better place.

I'm proud of your relationships.  This picture of Jake is a great reminder to me that you are in a committed relationship that makes you happy. I'm so glad that is true. I'm also proud of your friendships among people of different religions, races, ethnicities, ages, educational levels, and interests. You truly are someone who sees others for who they are and accepts them.  Related to your kindness, your ability to form and maintain relationships makes me feel like I may have just done some of that parenting stuff correctly.

So, yeah, I'm proud of the woman you already are, and I can't wait to see how you continue to grow and change. Mama loves her Bug!

Last week in pictures

Lowder-dog continued his constant quest for total relaxation.

 I spent lots of time in the computer lab with my seniors who are finishing final novel projects.

My attempt to dominate my landscaping continued; note the window boxes I'm planting even though serious weeding should be happening in the beds first.

Here's a metaphor for my gardening life - sh*& is always breaking at the most inconvenient of times!

 Date night pizza at Mellow Mushroom as we were entertained by a cool blues duo.

Raindrops on a dreary Saturday as I carted Kelsey to and fro from her various jobs because she was having some car trouble - she's always my baby, and mama likes to come to the rescue when I can.

What was your week like?

We went to the ballet - A Midsummer's Night's Dream

A few weeks ago, Kelsey and I made the relatively short trek to Nashville to see A Midsummer Night's Dream Ballet at the Tennessee Performing Arts Center downtown. She had asked for tickets to the ballet for her birthday in March, and these were the ones I could arrange closest to her actual birthday. We were running a few minutes late from dinner and parking, but we were seated about 10 minutes into the performance. I could definitely live with that.

I remember thinking that it was a good thing that I knew the story of this particular play, otherwise I might have felt a bit lost at the ballet interpretation of the action. Kelsey loves Shakespeare and remembered the basic story line too, so it was nice to talk about how the version of the play in our mind matched the one that we saw performed for us. 

Our seats were not fabulous, but we could nevertheless see the stage and the dancers quite well. Our tickets were roughly $40 each, I think. Here's a shot of the stage during the performance intermission.

And here's a shot of my beautiful girl during intermission.

We had a nice view of the orchestra pit too; the music was amazing.

A light drizzle was falling as we walked back to our car, but neither of us seemed to mind it much. It was still a bit chilly outside too, so that at least encouraged us to walk briskly.

Kelsey even managed a quick photo of me before I insisted on getting dry and warm in the car.

And here's a shot of the outside of TPAC; the facilities really are quite lovely. I was surprised it wasn't even close to a sellout crowd, particularly since there were only three performances of this ballet scheduled. I hope more of their shows are sellouts,  so they can continue providing quality art and performances for their guests.

As we left the theater, Kelsey pointed out that she'd really like to do something like this a few (or several) times a year. I think she might be getting to the point in her life where she'd rather have experiences instead of things for gifts. Who am I kidding? She probably wants both. (She takes after her mama in that way, I suppose. Haha!)  I'd love to be able to take her more often, but the cost for the evening really was quite prohibitive. It looks like it'll be a once or twice a year sort of event for our family.

Here's the breakdown of the cost:

Dinner $118 (more on this to come in a later post - not a happy camper about this)

Parking for dinner $10

Ballet tickets $80

Ticket change fee $14

Ballet parking $26

Glass of wine at ballet $15

Total ballet expenditure - $263 

I had a lovely evening with my girl, but that's not the kind of money I usually spend for about 3 hours of entertainment. At least she loved it, and we were able to spend a lovely evening together just the two of us. I'm feeling quite cultured now too, although I still giggle on the inside when I see guys wearing tights. ;)

My Mother's Voice - a reflection of Mother's Day

Do you hear your mother's voice in your head? I know I do. My mom has been gone for a little more than 13 years now, and I can hear some of the things she used to say to me as clearly as if she were standing in front of me. I think that all of us, but most especially women, have our mother's voice somewhere deep in our consciousness. Doesn't that voice rear its head at the oddest times? A memory of my own mother's voice might be spurred by something on television, or a conversation with my daughter, or even a familiar scent or image. She might be gone from my life physically, but her memory and her impact is certainly still very present in my life.

For some of us, that's a wonderful memory because our mothers were guides and teachers who cheered us on and loved us unconditionally. For others of us, those voices can be painful because our mothers were flawed individuals who made mistakes in their own lives and in parenting us. Honestly, I think most of us have mothers who were mixtures of both. Some of you might think that's a radical thing to say aloud, but I don't think seeing our parents as mixtures of good and bad, right and wrong, flawed and trying are bad things. While there is a tendency to romanticize the memories we have of those who are gone, I work really hard to take the best parts of my mother and emulate them and to take the worst parts of my mother and learn from or avoid them. That effort has definitely impacted the kind of person I am today and the kind of parent I was (am) to my daughter.

As I was thinking about writing this blog post, I thought it might be fun to make a list of the things I remember my mother saying to me and to ask my daughter to do the same. I wanted to know what she remembers hearing me say, not what I remember telling her. I think there's a significant difference between the two. Here are a handful of those memories.

I hear these words in my inner voice, the voice of my mother:

Whenever I was in trouble - "Tiffany Lynn Lowder, come here right now." variation "Young lady, come here right now."

When I would dawdle or hem and haw about the first request - "Don't make me come after you. When I call your name, come right away. If I say jump, you say how high!"

Pretty much constantly - "You are the smartest, prettiest, sweetest daughter I could ever want. You can do anything you want to do with your life."

When I'd be an obnoxious kid - "I'm going to count to three, and then you'd better straighten up, or I'll jerk a knot in you."

From my teenage years - "Don't you do anything to embarrass this family. Your reputation matters."

From my childhood onward - "We wash our clothes but shampoo our hair. We paint houses and polish our nails." There were more, but those are the two that stand out in my memory.

When I was pouting or otherwise angry "Don't you roll those eyes at me, young lady; I see what you're doing."

On teaching me how to be a good person "There are two kinds of people in the world: givers and takers. I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure you're not a taker."

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Here's a photo of Kelsey at age 5 - for some reason, this is the age I often picture her as in my mind's eye.

 And here's a photo of me from yesterday. In my mom's pic and mine, we are the same age - 43.

My daughter says that she hears my voice telling her:

Anytime she was wearing something stained, ripped or unacceptable - "People are going to think you're an orphan."

On the weekends when I didn't want to be awakened too early - "Don't wake me up before the clock says 8-0-0 unless you're bleeding."

Just a couple of weeks ago when we went to the ballet - "It's unsophisticated to fill your wine glass to the brim- only half at a time."

Ever since she was a toddler and would complain about feeling any kind of sick - "When was the last time you pooped? I think you just need to go to the bathroom."  

Daily, just because - "I love you, Fred!"

From her teenage years - "You gave me Tourette's when I taught you how to drive a stick. I thought you were trying to kill me!"

Her entire childhood whenever I'd mention something from school or something risque - "You know you should never repeat this, right?"

Whenever she did anything wrong or embarrassing or questionable or whenever she adopted a bad habit - "You didn't get that from me."

Ever since she was 16 years old whenever she experienced any kind of car trouble  - "Is your car out of gas? Tell me the truth. Are you sure?"

Ever since she was a teenager and could borrow them - "Do you still have my credit/debit card or did you lose it? Be honest."

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I had honestly hoped Kelsey would choose something more profound that she remembered I said. Instead, it seems like she remembers a lot of the nagging and not as many as the inspirational things. How about all the times I told her it cost her nothing to be kind? How about all the times I told her to listen and be a good friend? What about all the times I encouraged her to do the right thing even when her friends were not? I'm going to try not to dwell on that and instead be glad that she at least remembers some of my 'wise' words. ;)

What does your mother's voice say to you? What lessons do you take from that even today?